101 Reasons Bed Rest is Not a Vacation

by Kate

I know, I know.  Your day is crazy busy and your to-do list a mile long.  And if you’re pregnant on top of that, you want nothing more than a minute to stop and rest.  So the idea of a doctor – or really anyone – telling you to do nothing but lie down and rest for the foreseeable future sounds amazing.  I understand.  And I’m sure for a day or two it might actually be restful and restorative.  But I promise you that going on bed rest when you’re pregnant is anything but a vacation.

My bed rest experience was during my pregnancy with Isaac and lasted from week 20 to week 34.  That’s 3 ½ long months.  The “bed rest rules” for me were that I could shower, use the bathroom, and go to my weekly doctor’s visits.  But other than that I was to be lying down.  It was as challenging as you can imagine, but I’ll save all that for another time.

While there probably are 101 reasons, I’ll just share with you a few:

1. You’re only put on bed rest because there is something concerning happening with the pregnancy.  It is SCARY to have something potentially be wrong, and the fear and anxiety that comes with bed rest can be overwhelming and exhausting.
2. Our bodies were meant to be moving and active, so day after day of lying down and not moving takes its toll.  My muscles literally ached to move.  A nurse told me that many women on bed rest think they have restless leg syndrome, and I felt the same way (only it was my whole body – not just my legs).  But it’s not that, it’s simply your body wanting desperately to get up and move.
3. While it may sound relaxing to not be able to do anything and have people wait on you, it’s actually a depressing and humbling experience to be dependent on others for everything.  It was hard to let go of everything and not be able to help; to feel so un-useful.  I knew taking care of the baby was my biggest priority and only I was the one that could lie on the couch and do that, but it still was hard as I didn’t feel like I was doing anything.
4. It is surprisingly tiring to not be able to do anything.  Partially because it’s so mentally and emotionally draining to battle the fear and uncertainty, which is exhausting.  I thought I would never want to sleep because I wasn’t doing anything during the day, but instead I found I was quite tired at night.
5. As I read in a bed rest resource, it is “the loss of an ideal pregnancy” and with that comes plenty of sadness and grief to work through.  It was easy to have envy for those who got to enjoy their pregnancy without issue, who got to make birthing plans and schedule baby showers.  Heck, it was easy to envy anyone who got to walk around during the day, pregnant or not!
6. You live day by day, if not minute by minute.  I vividly remember thanking God every night that I was still pregnant, and again the next morning for making it one more night.  I had weekly doctor’s appointments for the bulk of my bed rest time, and I felt like I lived from one appointment to the next.  It was hard to think past the coming week’s appointment, as SO much hinged on what that ultrasound showed.  I could think ahead to the next week, but after that it just seemed like a huge unknown.
7. I found the beauty aspect to be quite humbling.  I couldn’t dry or style my hair (or at least didn’t bother since I would have had to do it lying down).  I had to put makeup on lying down so again, didn’t wear much.  I couldn’t paint my toenails without a great deal of effort as bending around a pregnant belly while lying down is quite the challenge.  Any muscle tone I had slowly atrophied, so my body barely looked like my own.  I made a note in my journal that the only part of me that felt beautiful was my nails, as I always had the time and ability to paint them!
8. The last 5 weeks of my pregnancy were a complete joy.  I know most women are very uncomfortable and complain during that last stage, and I certainly had my share of discomfort, but I was beyond thrilled to a: still be pregnant, and b: be free to walk around and rejoin society.  I LOVED those last weeks and cherished every day.

As I said I’m sure there’s more, but I’ll end here for now.  Obviously all those months of lying down worked and I got to have a healthy, full term baby.  His life is certainly worth all the struggle and hardship bed rest caused.

Accepting Tension

by Kate

Isn’t it easy to assume that our emotions are one-dimensional?  That we’re either happy OR sad?  Excited OR anxious?  As I walked through the dark days of grief after Ava’s death, I learned how multidimensional emotions are.  It was possible to be a broken mess of tears and heartache, yet still laugh at something funny or find a smidgen of joy in a fun outing.  I struggled with that tension, as it seemed impossible to have anything be fun or funny when my reality seemed so bad.  Proverbs 14:13 says it this way:

“Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief.”

I also noticed this after a long series of surgeries, disappointment and heartache.  I remember driving one day and thinking about my current situation.  I thought, “What is the big picture?”  I knew some day I’d be in heaven with Jesus, He was Lord of it all, and in the end that is really all that matters.  There is peace in that knowledge and a perspective that allows you to see past all the daily stress and turmoil.  Yet I was still here, faced with undesirable circumstances, and expected to live out life in an honoring and responsible manner regardless.  Sometimes daily life is HARD, and sad, and full of struggle and exhaustion.  We live in this tension – the big picture seeming assured and peaceful, but the day-to-day feeling hectic and emotional.

My husband recently read about the Stockdale Paradox, which speaks to this.  It resonated with both of us.  We fought hard against blind optimism after Ava’s death, as I wrote about in the “The Bright Side?” post.  But we also don’t think of ourselves as pessimists either.  Here is an excerpt of the paradox that sums it up well:

Admiral James Stockdale was shot down in Viet Nam and imprisoned in the “Hanoi Hilton” for almost eight years.  He was also its highest-ranking officer. He writes about his experience in his book, In Love and War. How did he survive while others did not? “Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties.” He adds, however, what distinguishes his position from simple “optimism” – and formulates what has become known as the Stockdale Paradox: “and confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

This is the critical difference which guards against the endless disappointment that optimism’s carrots’ evasiveness create – until, maybe, the reward in the end. On the other hand, an ability to continue making realistic assessments of one’s current life situation measures and apportions one’s energies and reserves to better face each challenge as it comes, thus positioning one with a stronger chance to prevail.

-from the book Good to Great by Jim Collins

I think we are often encouraged to not acknowledge the adversity in our life and the difficult emotions that come with it.  But all of us will face adversity at some point in our lives; some for brief times, and others for long years; some seeming to bring it on themselves by bad choices, others by little fault of their own.  Regardless of the reason, wouldn’t it be best to acknowledge the difficulties, face the emotions head on, and work through it at whatever pace we need?  Knowing we would get through it in the end, but not pretending the hard parts didn’t exist?  As the Stockdale Paradox mentioned, making realistic assessments helps give you enough energy to face the challenges and prevail.  This is a different approach than the “everything is all good!” response we often seem inclined to give.

In another book, A Grace Revealed by Jerry Sittser, he speaks to living amidst adversity and prosperity in light of Paul’s life.  Paul had times of great suffering and of great success.  I think we often acknowledge that in theory, but not in our daily life.  As Sittser puts it:

“It seems strange to us, of course, who think that the only adequate way to deal with adversity is to eliminate or overcome it.  But Paul learned to thrive in it.”    

That was certainly true for me.  I thought I needed to eliminate adversity – that if everything went smoothly and perfectly then I would be happy.  But the adversity we faced for many years in pregnancy loss and infertility, and the grief we were thrust into after Ava’s death, forced me to have a new perspective.  For the rest of my life our struggles and her loss is with us, and that is a reality I can’t eliminate.  It changed everything.  So I am constantly learning how to adjust to that reality and live in that tension, sometimes struggling and sometimes prevailing.

Tension is never easy, and yet it’s how we all live, every day.  We aspire to find this perfect balance that eliminates the tension, but I think perhaps it’s better to accept the tension and learn how to live fruitfully in it.  Accepting our realities and being honest about the hard parts, but still holding out hope that we can make it through.

Catch a Falling Star

by Jen

Right now is a super hard time with Fenton, but it has nothing to do with Fenton.  He is at the developmental age where Timothy is “stuck.”  In case you don’t know, Timothy is my 8 year old little guy who is mentally retarded and has autism.  You see, Timothy was super smiley and easy to play with at Fenton’s age too.  He loved singing songs and could tell me what he wanted to sing by doing the motions.  He would eat most foods and was just generally a sweet little guy.  He slept well, loved being held and would make eye contact non-stop.  Don’t get me wrong, we knew he was behind, but thought he would surely catch up.

Timothy- 20 months

I remember going through the same thing with Sadie.  She was an extremely relational infant.  She started smiling intentionally at 3 weeks and talking at 10 months.  I vividly remember Josh and I being in awe of her eye contact (any parent who has a child with autism will understand what I am talking about) and not taking a single laugh for granted.  Thankfully, we made it through each milestone with flying colors and she continues to be an exuberant little lady.

Sadie- 2 years old

Knowing Fenton will be our last makes me want to stay and play on the floor longer.  I realize just how quickly time passes and seeing him grow so rapidly makes me both excited (I love getting rid of things, especially noisy toys) and sad.  He is just so darn sweet!  I am not sure if it is knowing he is our last, or that he is a boy, but I am struggling with fear in a big way.  I just can’t bear to think about his little smile fading or those eyes not wanting to find me any chance they get.  I love hearing that when I leave him in the church nursery he stands at the door and calls for me.  I love Timothy so much and mourn daily all that he has and is going through.  I am fully aware of all the miracles in his little life and am thankful for the amazing ways he grows and all he learns, but I would be outright lying if I didn’t say I wish things were different.

Fenton- 1 year

In times like this, I need to stand firm in God’s goodness and faithfulness, whatever that looks like, to remind myself His grace is sufficient for me.  I need to stop, take a breath, and tell myself to enjoy what is right before me.  No matter what, his little smile will not look exactly the same tomorrow.

Timothy and Fenton- Sept. 2013

Hanging on by a Thread

by Jen

“I’m hanging on by a thread” or, “I’m hanging in there.” have always been sayings I thought were quite cheesy and dramatic.  I mean, really?  What does that mean?  All the pictures of puppies hanging on a limb in a paint pail, or cats almost slipping off a rope come to mind and make me throw up a little.  I guess I am just a tad rebellious toward overused idioms.  This morning as I was taking a shower (the time in my day when I am actually alone and have a chance to ponder the mysteries of the universe) and thinking about how I am feeling these days, I realized how appropriate those idioms can actually be.  I truly feel like I am hanging on for dear life some days.  I have felt this way before and the mental image I had was being stuck on the top of a mountain holding on tightly while being battered by wind and rain (I know, a bit melodramatic).  The hymn, “On Christ the Solid Rock I Stand” resonates deeply.  It is times like this I cling to the truth that I cannot do it on my own; my only hope of making it through is to depend on God.  If I get stuck sinking into the sand of doubt, anger, hopelessness, despair and fear the thread will most definitely break.  I would be lying if I said I did not let my circumstances consume me for periods of time, but I refuse to give in.  I will not fall apart (well, not completely)!  If not for me, then for my husband, kids, and others around me who might be feeling the same way.  I want to be a testimony to God’s grace and faithfulness, even when I have all the reasons in the world to crumble.

I have been so cynical and disheartened at times and yelled at God, but He has not left me.  Thankfully, my God is big enough to handle my humanness.  What a relief!  So, when I feel like Wylie Coyote falling off a mountain, I remember one of my favorite scriptures.

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3:22-23.

This verse was actually on Timothy’s birth announcement.  I remember Josh saying that it seemed like a weird verse for an announcement.  I agreed, but somehow knew it was the right one.  I could never have imagined the degree to which I have clung to that specific verse when it comes to him.

All this to say, hang in there when you feel you are only hanging on by a thread!  Know that you do not have to do it alone. Whether you cling to your faith, family or friends you will not fall off that rope.  You can always email Kate or I if you need to unload as well- free therapy is always fun.