The Gift of Listening

by Kate

During a recent drive to my hometown (an exciting 6+ hours) I had plenty of time to think about how we’re doing after the past few years.  It brought to mind a few events that seem to stick out, some helpful, some not.  One of those helpful events was a visit from a college roommate while I was on bed rest.

I don’t know what your knowledge of bed rest is, but if it sounds like a blissful time of lying around and watching movies all day, it’s not.  Well, it technically is that minus the blissful part (at least for me).  With our son I was on bed rest for 14 weeks.  From when I was 20 weeks pregnant to 34 weeks pregnant – 3 ½ very long months.  I could shower and get up to go to the bathroom but otherwise was lying down.  It was brutal.  For me, bed rest was a daily battle against fear and anxiety, exhausting, depressing – pretty much anything but enjoyable.

There were many wonderful friends and family that brought me meals or stopped by to visit during that time, and I appreciated all of them.  One of those visits was from my college roommate who happened to be in town and came over to make dinner.  I hadn’t seen her in a long time, and it was great to catch up.  I don’t remember all we talked about, but at some point we started discussing my current pregnancy, the prior death of my daughter, and all the emotions and grief that entailed.

I remember her visit because she asked me meaningful questions and actually seemed to genuinely listen and care about the answers.  She asked me questions about my daughter (people often ask about how we’re doing, grief, etc – very few ask directly about her), she asked questions about how our faith was affected, what was I struggling with, how was all of that affecting this pregnancy, and on and on.  She asked questions as if she truly cared and wanted to know more.

Isn’t that how most conversations go?  You would think.  But after she left, I thought about our evening and realized it’s not how most go.  How often do we not really listen to what others are saying but instead just think of what we’re going to say next?  Or bring up other things we’re thinking of?  Or seem to listen but really are distracted by the million things going on in our head?  A book I’m reading talks about communication and sums it up like this:

“The finest art of communication is not learning how to express your thoughts.  It is learning how to draw out the thoughts of another.”

There was VERY little that occurred during bed rest that I would label “refreshing.”  Her visit was.  And I think it’s because she gave me the gift of truly listening.  I would like to believe that I did an equal amount of listening but I’m fairly certain I did the majority of the talking. 

I’ve had millions of conversations since that evening and I probably have not always been the best listener.  But I am trying to be aware; be present and truly listen.  Perhaps one day it can be a gift to someone else as it was for me.